4/Against: If your partner watches porn
4 / against

4/Against: If your partner watches porn

27 November 2013 | 11:30 am

Is it natural for your partner to watch porn? A betrayal? Or even a turn on?

I’ll start this one with a personal experience. Not to damn the man in question, but because I’ve told a few people now and I always get a different reaction. I’d be interested to know yours.

I was in a close relationship with a guy recently. Everything was going well, we were having fun, then one day when the battery died on my phone I asked to Google something on his. It was then I noticed his web browser’s drop-down menu was offering not the bars, shops and restaurants I’d been expecting, but instead a whole host of Asian porn sites. Argh!

Of course he looks at porn – he’s a guy!

That’s the reaction I get from guys. “There’s nothing wrong with that. We get bored sometimes. Did you think all we look at when we’re sitting at the bus stop is the weather, or the latest MasterChef updates?”

Well, no, I didn’t think that. But I didn’t honestly think you’d be scrolling through boobs, bums and skinny girls in stilettos pounding hot men somewhere in neon-lit Tokyo either… Not when you’re waiting for me to finish the food shopping in Coles. I felt a bit wronged, a bit inadequate when I saw that browser history.

The truth is, even though us women know our men probably watch a bit of porn, we tend to kid ourselves that it’s only when they’re egged on by other men. Single men, of course. Single, lonely, sad guys who aren’t getting the fabulous sex that our man clearly is… because he’s with us.

That is so disrespectful! Did you bring it up with him?

That’s the reaction I tend to get from girls. And no, I didn’t bring it up straight away because, as I said, I felt a bit weird when I saw proof of his secret, horny aspirations. I felt that talking about it would have been awkward and made it more real. I didn’t like knowing his mind clearly wanders to women other than myself, even though I’m right here, here, doing the shopping in Coles. What? Isn’t pushing my trolley around, admiring the broccoli sexy enough for you? Do I need to pretend I’m in Tokyo and shop in some hot pants now?

After a few days I brought it up, but all I got in response was a shrug, as if to say, “Yeah, so what? You look at ASOS all day, don’t you?” Hmmm.

When is a little bit of porn okay?

I guess what we can take from this is that a little bit of porn is fine for some and not for others, depending on the strength of your relationship. It also depends on whether this porn watching is out in the open or not. If your man admits he watches it, laughs about it, maybe even asks you to re-enact that freaky act of naked on-screen contortion together, then you’re generally going to feel better about that porn than if you find a whole stream of it on his phone, out of the blue, when you had no idea he was even a fan.

Personally I don’t mind if things get a little kinky on a stag night. I mean, get that naked lady to pole dance and jive on your lap all you want if that’s what makes you and the boys happy. But don’t hide it. Hiding it makes us think you’re ashamed of what you’re doing, or that you like it more than communicating mentally, physically and sexually with us.

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Comments (1)

  1. 1
    GoodOne

    This is a hot topic.

    Glad you brought this up! I guess every woman encounters this at one stage of her life. So do we just live with it? Ignore it? Don’t accept it? I guess bottom line is what can you live with without compromising yourself.

    I guess bottom line for me is, if the guy in question is storing these pictures in his head and uses them when he has sex with me, it will make me feel dirty, hurt, inadequate and used. And yes I know the difference. So that is where it stops for me. I talk to him about it and will try to explain to him how It makes me feel (not accuse him of what he does). If he than still willingly does the same, I know he is hurting me on purpose and that is the end of the relationship for me. If he uses it to relieve himself and is discrete about it, I can accept it, which does not mean I like it, but I try to ignore it. Unless it is every day – than it is an addiction, just is like gambling or smoking can become an addiction and it will tell you more about the man you are with.

    For most woman the discovery of their partner getting sexually aroused by watching porn, will make them feel inadequate, insecure about the relationship and makes them reconsider the relation and rightfully so. I guess if you are in Coles and he is more interested in the young girls or woman going past and or his telephone…well I guess he is not really with you. For me that is the essence of my relationship. If the man I am with is not capable of spending quality time with me, he is not really with me (in bed, at home, or being out) but he is constantly distracted by other woman, be it in porn, pictures or in real life…I am out…but that is just me. I like to be number one. There you have it.

    By the way I also think that woman have the same tendency to not be in the relationship, not spending quality time, but are being distracted by kids, work, internet, sms, whatsapp, facebook, blogs, phone, girlfriends, family etc. My partner of recent opened my eyes to this, he too, likes to feel loved and important in my live. No 1 so you want. So I spend the time with my partner really being with HIM…. everything else just has to wait.

    So maybe the question to ask your partner is: Why? and take it from there.

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